A Rosetta Stone for Talking to Your Plumber

If you've been reading along you know by now I'm a contractor specializing in mechanical systems, so consider me a class-traitor for crossing the fence. But in this clandestine meeting I hope to spill some secrets about the jargon of my industry and to empower you in using words your contractor will understand. When I emerge from the basement wiping my hands on an already grimy towel and say, "Your cad cell was shot, so the primary was never going to work, since the retention ring was fouled and your ignitor was faulting to ground," you might not follow every turn of phrase, and our conversation turns into a soliloquy. Some of my colleagues take a certain pleasure in confusing lawyers and teachers, among whom we number our paying clients, but it's not right; even when they do it to us, it's not right (I groaned inwardly when my college professor client explained that she hadn't changed her furnace filters in a while because her life had taken a "rather peripatetic turn" lately and so on....). You consumers of contractor services must learn to talk kindly (and without condenscension) to your contractor service providers, at least until the amount of the bill has been finalized.

Let's look under the kitchen sink. Bring a flashlight. I wear mine on my head, miner-style.
If the kitchen sink has two bowls, you will see the drain extensions (black or white plastic, possibly chromed brass mottled with blue-green leaks) coming down from the basket strainers.
By some network of bendy fittings, the two drains join and proceed to a U or S shaped formation called a trap. Briefly, the purpose of a trap is to prevent smelly and potentially explosive methane gas from wafting back up into your house from..... DOWN THERE. A trap which goes down, up and down again has two U-bends and earns the name S trap. A trap having a single U-bend and usually exiting horizontally through the back of the cabinet gets called a P trap. Don't ask me why. This was all worked out in the 19th century when Thomas Crapper and Sir Joseph Bazalgette were changing the face of London's... er, nether regions.

Whatever your plumber charges per hour or per visit, you can expedite the repairs somewhat and earn his/her grudging respect by saying, into the phone, "I got a flashlight and looked under there, and I think the leak is from the bottom of the trap; and by the way, it's chromed brass and it exits through the back of the cabinet." Right away your plumber knows what to bring, how much time the repair will take him, and he knows to wear a long-tailed shirt or extra-rugged suspenders so his bilaterally symmetrical little bum will not peek from his jeans and scare you when he's under there working. You gained points, if not dollars, just for knowing a few words. Well done you.

The rest of the excitement under the kitchen sink has to do with the water supply pipes. Shine the flashlight all the way to the back of the cabinet, and you'll see the copper/plastic water supplies (hot and cold) emerge either from the back wall or from the floor. There will be valves (there should be valves. If there are no valves, your mechanical person will have much trouble turning off the water for a repair, will mutter about the shabby workmanship of low bidders, and, in the language of The Far Side's prehistoric plumber, "This not be cheap..." ) Prepare to pay a bit extra for him/her to install "shutoffs" or "sink stops" so the water can be turned off under the sink. But let's say you're seeing valves, and the two water lines proceed upward through "stop valves" and disappear into the bottom of faucet. There may be some additional flexible lines under there serving the sink spray, or the faucet may use some flexible connectors, and they all can leak. You may also see an additional valve and a line running out the side of the cabinet toward the dishwasher (hot water) or the refrigerator (cold water, to run the icemaker or water dispenser). If you're responding to water on the floor, and the steady stream or drip is not obvious, start as high as you can reach on the faucet and run your bare fingers around each pipe or fitting, working downward until your hand comes back wet. Report to your plumber-person what pipe you think is leaking, where it goes, etc. Even if you're wrong, you get effort points, and very few plumbers are immune to the charm of eager beginners.

Feeling intrepid? Wanna talk toilets? You may not need the flashlight, but bring something to kneel on, and wear gloves if you want. If you are the person in your house who cleans the toilet, you won't feel squeamish about its inward workings. and you probably already have your gloves on. Start on your knees in front of the toilet, in what is called the "distressed frat-boy" position, but leave the lid down for now. Reach around the left side, under the tank, and find the water supply pipe. If it's wet, don't grab a wrench and go tightening that clamp nut just yet. Trace the line downward to a valve, then past the valve to a pipe/tube which disappears through the wall or floor. That valve is your water shutoff, and your first tactical maneuver in scoping a toilet problem is always to find that valve and make sure you can shut off the water supply. If the valve looks moldy and feeble, try it gently and see if it turns to finger pressure. No wrenches, please. That way lies madness and an insurance claim for water damage. Valve works? Good for you. With the valve turned off, flush the toilet and listen for the sound of water refilling the tank. No noise? Wonderful. Nothing horrific can happen now, even if you make a mistake. Turn the water back on, and find the place back up where the tank (holds the water waiting for a flush) joins the bowl (where the rubber meets the road, so to speak). There's a seal there, a rubber ring, donut shaped, held in place with two, three or four bolts that go through the bottom of the tank and bolt to the back of the bowl. Run your hand around the edge of that meeting-place. That's where many leaks begin, often as a result of users getting very comfortable in a seated position and leaning back against the tank, putting stress on the rubber ring and its mounts. I trust I do not need to provide an image link here. If your seat is down, find the two mounts for the seat just in front of the tank, and reach under those mounts to find the (usually plastic) nuts that secure the seat to the bowl. Is the seat loose? Mounts broken? It's an easy repair for a professional, but I've rescued a number of amateurs who came to grief here. Don't be embarrassed to call a plumber to repair/replace your seat. You will want to note the general shape of the front of the seat. It will either be rounded (round bowl toilet) or egg-shaped (elongated bowl) or possibly open at the front. These details can seem trivial to females, but men take a morphological interest in the fronts of toilet seats, for reasons your imagination can supply. And your plumber, irrespective of gender, will want to bring the right seat on the first visit.

Now. You've been very brave, and I'm trusting you more and more as we go. It's time to open King Tut's tomb, so to speak. The top of the tank is covered with a porcelain lid. Carefully lift that lid and set it aside, preferably flat on the floor where nothing bad can happen to it. Seat yourself backwards on the closed seat, knees toward the tank. Take a deep breath. Now look inside. If you're looking at a large black vessel that fills most of the tank's inner volume, put the lid back on and step away from this Flushmate-equipped toilet. No user servceable or easily categorized parts inside. I have two of them (most powerful flush in the modern market, akin to the wall mount water closets in old Belmondo movies) and they're a bit of a headache even for me. If you're seeing a familiar flush handle, linked to a chain or plastic cord, leading down to a hinged flapper, we can proceed. That flapper lifts in response to the flush handle, allows a measured amount of water to enter the bowl under gravity pressure, and causes the flush response of the bowl. Many things can happen to the flapper. The chain linkage can break, the flapper itself can be damaged by aggressive water or tank/bowl sanitizing chemicals, and old age, alas, can also take its toll. The result can be: no flush at all, anemic flush response, or constant leakage into the bowl, wasting water. The links above can help with their photographic views of the tank's innards. The flapper is usually attached to a tall central pipe called an overflow tube, which can be broken but seldom gives trouble. Toward the left side of the tank is the ballcock mechanism, or "flush valve." You are either seeing a tall brass column rising from the left corner of the tank, extending an arm and ball-shaped float across the tank, or a plastic tower with a sliding float ball and a hose extending into the overflow tube. They both do the same job, which is to permit the water supply to feed water into the tank during and after a flush, and to stop the flow of water when it reaches a preset level. The ballcock or flush valve can fail open, causing the water to flow constantly into the overflow tube and down into the bowl, or it can fail closed, causing low water in the tank and no flush response when you need it. So are you looking at a tank with too much water, or not enough? More important information to transmit to your plumber when you call.

Concerning the bowl, where the difficulty is most often related to the reluctance of Elvis to leave the building, if you will. In cases of overflow or extreme malfeasance, wait a few minutes for the water level to subside, line the floor with something washable, and plunge with panache and aplomb. Buy yourself a bellows-style plunger which seals tightly in the toilet U-bend (yes, the toilet has one, too, but you can't see it from where you are, thank God) and plunge with vigor, emphasizing the push rather than the pull part of the motion. If that fails, you can try some of the available products at the home store, but don't get them on you or the floor. And keep the plumber's number handy.

Oh. Critical detail. Wipe down your toilet before the plumber arrives. Just a quick wipe with some cleaner, especially under the seat and around the bottom of the bowl. You will be rewarded at least with respect, if not in a present or future kindness from your plumber-person. Plumbers, contrary to legend, are not immune to offense in matters involving the poops and tinkle of others.

This post has put you through your paces, on your knees with a flashlight, "going boldly" where few homeowners/tenants dare to go. You've learned how water travels through your most frequently used household plumbing fixtures, and you have some nomenclature which will help you to converse with your service people clearly and helpfully. Most mechanical contractors appreciate any effort on your part to research the problem and brief them in advance of their visit. I tend to go soft on the bottom line for people I like, and many other contractors do as well, but that's no promise. We usually deserve to get paid the amount on the invoice; your common sense and knowledge of terms scarcely scratches the surface of a plumber's needed storehouse of data and wily techniques, not to mention business overhead. In the next post I will redeem an earlier promise and take you back to the basement to untangle the web of your heating system. For now, bless you for persevering, and speak kindly to your plumber. It's a dirty job, and he/she does it all day long.